Conflict Addiction

Barriers to Settling

I was moved to write this article because of my experience of a conflict in my own life. After I had managed to “move on,” I began to think about how compelling this very small dispute had become to me; how much of my thought and psychic energy had been consumed by it. I began to wonder if there is not something especially engrossing about conflict; why we can get hooked into a conflict, and keep the arguments going and going and going, even when the person with whom we are in conflict is not in the room; and whether conflict in and of itself has an addictive quality, that causes us to keep returning to it, arguing our case again and again.

The Costs of Conflict:

If there are high costs to conflict then, if people are rational beings, they must believe that the potential return on pursuing the conflict exceeds the cost. There are certainly high costs. Putting aside the monetary cost of pursuing litigation – there is a cost to having so much of your energy drained, for years, by an ongoing personal conflict. The effect on children has been well documented. If my high school friend couldn’t talk about anything else to me, during one afternoon, I’m sure she also had trouble fully focusing on her children, during those years. But what are the returns?

One goal of the battle is to be declared the victor. Another resides in the fantasy that, when your adversary confronts his/her loss, he/she will learn a lesson. A client told me that she fears that walking away will allow her husband to get away scot-free. She can see this as a (flawed) pattern in his life – that when things get tough he runs away, just as he ran away from their marriage. She is aggravated with him, and thinks she should let him “get away with it, but should instead teach him a lesson.” But would he learn any lesson if she were to decide that she would hire a lawyer and seek more assets?

As a party to a conflict, I can see the momentum created. The longer it goes on, the more persuasive one must finds ones own arguments; because if I don’t have a good case, why am I still fighting? There are more tendencies to polarize, and vilify the other, because it would not be rational to keep fighting this person unless they are really bad – the momentum in the head creates the stronger feelings that you are fighting evil.

Does anyone change their behavior (or personality) because they lost in court? Do parties come away from a litigation saying, “Oh, now I understand, I was wrong all of these years, and my spouse were right. I have learned from this conflict.” We all like to see ourselves as avengers, as the heroes in our own movies. Even (those we might see as) the worst terrorists believe that they are doing the right thing, fighting for honor and truth.

I am working with a couple (John and Barb) in conflict resolution who told me that for 2 years, they have been living in their home without speaking to each other. John and Barb are lucky, in that either of them could afford to buy out the other from the marital home. But they are unlucky, because they have both become swept into fighting over who will stay and who will go. Perhaps their “higher selves” could find a way to say, “Hey, she/he cannot let go of this right now, so maybe s/he needs the house more than I do.” If there is financial compensation – can one of them move forward to another home without feeling that she has “lost,” and the other has “won?” Can the dispute be reframed so that it appears to (John and Barb) Lucy that there are other ways to see the dispute than that one of them will win (stay in the house) and the other will lose (leave the house)? For example, there is an opportunity for one of them to move to a new place, buy new things (with a compensatory stipend, if necessary) and start over fresh; to go down in the family history (and in their child’s mind) as the hero, who has sacrificed him/herself to give all of them peace; the chance to make a new home, freed of the memories which reside in the old.

Ultimately, isn’t it a choice to remain locked into the struggle, or the choice to move forward with your life? I struggle to understand what makes people choose to pursue conflict, and even to behave irrationally to do so. Is it the loss of face? Is the fear that leaving will be like admitting guilt? When each feels so intensely that she/he has been wronged, that s/he is the victim, it’s a challenge to be the one to take the first step to resolve it.

Ten Steps to Consider When Deciding If You Want to Get a Divorce………Or Not

Should you stay and work on your marriage? Or is it time to consider your options?

When we find that special someone we consider our partner in life, we never consider that something might happen that would make us think otherwise. You’re here for that very reason. You are thinking about whether you want to stay in your marriage, whether it’s salvageable at all or whether it’s time cut your losses and say goodbye. No one can give you an answer. You have to come to that decision on your own. But while you’re examining your options, here are a few things you should consider.

CONSIDER THE REALITIES.
Think about your life now versus your life if you get divorced. Really consider the realities of divorce – on your emotions, finances, living arrangements, work, children, family, friendships, religious affiliations and your world. And if you are a spouse who makes the majority of the money — regardless of gender, make certain you understand the law well enough so that you know what your financial commitments to your former spouse or your children may be if you decide to pursue a divorce. Write down the ways in which your life will change for the positive and for the negative.
GET MARRIAGE COUNSELlING.
Is the problem in your relationship one of communication, trust or based on some other emotion that you can still work through? Would a marriage therapist help? There are therapists who specialize in helping couples during troubled time. If it’s still possible, you should consider talking with a professional and asking your spouse if they would do the same. If you cannot afford a professional therapist, some cities or municipalities offer low-cost options. And many religious organizations offer counseling or support as well. ….
GET FINANCIAL COUNSELlING.
Some marriages fail because of financial stress caused because two people have two different financial personalities. One is a saver and one is a spender. Or worse, both are spenders and neither knows how to keep the other on a financially firm foundation. If this is the case in your life, you should consider getting some financial help you get out of debt and learn how to keep your spending habits under control. If this is your problem, financial counseling may even help you save you.
TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE.
Tell them what you’re thinking and why and see if you can seek out marriage counseling to resolve the issues that both of you may have. If abuse is not involved, it’s better to save your marriage if possible, particularly if there are children involved. If you decide to leave your partner, communication will remain a key to resolving your issues along the way in a civil manner. So try to keep the lines of communication open.
GET A BANK ACCOUNT.
While considering the answers to the questions above, finances will also be a top concern. To secure your financial future, no matter what you decide, you should go to the bank and open a bank account in your own name.
SAFEGUARD YOUR CREDIT.
Another financial concern will involve your credit and your credit rating, which you must safeguard, regardless of what happens. You should always have at least one card in your name only. Call your credit card companies and make certain that you can do this.
START SAVING MONEY.
Why? If you decide to divorce, you may have to consider relocation to another home, city, town or province. If you don’t have a job, you may want to consider getting one. Beyond the emotional toll, divorce takes a financial one as well – particularly for women, who often not make as much money as men. If you move forward with a divorce, you will need an attorney. You may want to hire a Divorce Financial Planner. No matter what happens, having a little money saved cannot hurt.
GATHER YOUR IMPORTANT PAPERWORK.
Know whose names are on them, how much they entail and what your debts and assets are. This will be important as you move forward. Among the paperwork you should have copies of: life insurance policies, home insurance, safe deposit boxes and other investments, house deeds, car deeds, etc.
CONSIDER A POST-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT.
This kind of agreement can be entered into before a divorce. It can be used to amend a prenuptial agreement if you have one, because you’ve gotten into a business venture since your marriage or your financial circumstances have significantly improved. It also can be used to create emotional and financial security in reconciliation as you try to give your marriage another try.
GET HELP.
If you are in an abusive situation seek help from a local resource who can advise you on shelters, counseling and other help for you and your children.

Give Thought to How, When and Where To Tell Spouse When You Decide to Divorce

When you have decided to end your marriage, you should give serious thought to the manner in which you tell your spouse. Presumably you want to find a middle ground between slipping away in the night and booking the Wednesday slot on Maury Povich for a surprise announcement. This conversation will possibly set the tone for the whole process, so if you can lessen the hurt and anger here, it could help later.

Here are some tips to consider when talking with your spouse about divorce:

When and where:
Your spouse should be the first to know you want a divorce. If you have already told friends or relatives, there is always a chance your partner will hear about your intentions from someone else first, which will only amplify the resentment. Consider whether he or she would respond better to your announcement in private, at home, or in a public place like a restaurant or park. If your fear a violent reaction, it might be wise not to be alone with your spouse, for example. If your fear he or she will be self-destructive, you may wish to seek the help of a professional for advice ahead of time.
Consider your timing.
You don’t want to end up screaming your request during an argument over something else. So you should plan for a relatively stress-free time in your week to have this discussion. If you have children, perhaps arranging for them to be with friends would be helpful. It may be tempting to pick a holiday or special time when your family is together for your announcement, but consider whether you really want to turn your child’s birthday or Thanksgiving into “the day Daddy/Mommy left.”
Be kind.
A surprising number of people who are divorced had no idea how unhappy their partners were. So, even if you have been miserable and thinking of moving on for months, your spouse may be shocked at your request. If asked why, give a reason if you can without being hurtful. Refrain from rehashing every fault you believe your partner has. Your spouse’s self-esteem already will be fragile enough. If you have met someone else, consider whether this is the best time to say so, or to act on that new attraction. After years of unhappiness with a distant, selfish husband who rarely helped with her four children, one woman we’ll call Linda finally decided to ask her husband for a divorce.Unfortunately, the catalyst for her decision was a brief fling on a cruise she took with friends. Her husband found e-mails from the other man and quickly focused the blame for all the marriage’s problems on her. He used all his resources in a bitter fight to be sure she lost her house, children and most of her income. Remember, the more drama you can avoid, the easier the separation process will be.

6 Tips on Playing It Cool During an Ex-Sighting

Your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty and every muscle in your body wants to run.

So you’ve finally gotten over the breakup. You’ve cried out all of your tears, tossed out all remnants of your ex’s presence from your room and burned all the photos. Just when you think you are finally over it, you have to face the dreaded post breakup encounter with the ex.

Murphy’s Law definitely applies in this situation. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Anytime you look and feel your worst, an ex-lover will cross your path. When that fateful day arrives, how will you react? Will you run away or will you pull it off with style? How can you debunk Murphy’s Law?

Acknowledge the Ex

As tempting as it is, do not run in the opposite direction or hide behind the nearest and largest potted plant. You will only wind up feeling embarrassed and childish later on when you replay it in your head. Face your fears and greet him or her with a big, confident smile, no matter how nervous you feel on the inside. And if you have to, fake it!

When you walk away from the situation and realize that you are still in one piece, it will be a huge confidence boost. Once you get over the first awkward meeting, any subsequent meetings will be a breeze.

Focus on the Now

Keep the conversation focused on the present and what is going on in your lives right now. Do not take a walk down memory lane and rehash all the painful details of what went wrong. Avoid all stabs at petty comments. Be careful not to ask for or give up too many details.

Avoid all awkward conversations about your love life and their love life. Send regards to the family or mention your great new job. Heck, even talk about the weather! The more superficial the exchange, the better chance you will leave the encounter unscathed emotionally.

Acknowledge the New Flame

Nothing is more dreadful than running into an ex when he or she is with someone new, who is runway model gorgeous, but don’t let the green-eyed monster get the best of you.

As stomach churning as it may seem to you, be gracious to new person in his or her life. Take this as your cue to really shine. Extend your hand and introduce yourself. The worst thing you can do is ignore your ex’s date. Include him or her in the conversation and if you are bold enough, tell the new boyfriend/girlfriend what a great catch he or she has in your ex. It will be an impressive gesture of maturity and confidence.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Lie

No matter how tempting, just remember, any fibs you tell will come back to haunt you. Resist creating a fantasy story about your fabulous new life without him or her. It is highly likely that your ex will see through you, so avoid the embarrassment. Be confident in your real successes and life.

Keep it Short

Contact with the ex should be kept at a minimum, unless you are fortunate enough that it was an amicable breakup. The longer you linger, the higher the chance of getting into a nasty, bitter argument over the past or having the situation become uncomfortable and awkward. Have a quick chat just to be polite and move on to the next crowd. You never know who you might meet!

Don’t Replay the Meeting in Your Mind

Whew! You actually did it! So, what do you do now? The answer is: Do not pick apart every little gesture, word and detail the two of you exchanged.

Example: “I wonder what that meant?” Instead, congratulate yourself for taking the high road. Celebrate and treat yourself to a coffee or drink.

Play it Cool

Yes, this advice is probably hard to swallow and not so easy to live by, but looking back, you can take pride in the fact that you handled the encounter with dignity and self-assurance. Your ex won’t know what hit them!

These are signs of serious problems that need attention…

Calling bad names or putting someone down
Shouting and cursing
Hitting, slapping and/or pushing
Making threats of any kind
Jealousy and suspicion
Keeping someone away from family and friends – isolation
Throwing things around the house

To recognize whether your partner is abusing you, ask whether your partner:

Embarrasses you with put-downs?
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you?
Controls what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stops you from seeing your friends or family members?
Takes your money, makes you ask for money or refuses to give you money?
Makes all of the decisions?
Tells you that you’re a bad parent or threatens to take away or hurt your children?
Prevents you from working or attending school?
Acts like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even denies doing it?
Destroys your property or threatens to kill your pets?
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shoves you, slaps you, chokes you or hits you?
If you have contacted law enforcement, forces you to try and drop charges?
Threatens to commit suicide?
Threatens to kill you?

Relationships

Sometimes You Get What You Give in your Marriage

By BRENDA DELLA CASA
Your mate can be one of your best friends and your partner and confidante and, like your other best friends, at some point or another they will likely do something to annoy you, offend you and hurt you deeply.

Think about your best friend who lived with you. Did you dislike some of the way they cared for the apartment and some of their habits? Were there times you were so annoyed that you wanted to move out? It’s called a relationship and it happens when you put any two people in one place for a long period of time. There will always be days we want to “escape” — our jobs, our lives, our friendships, our partners, even our bodies.

You may be married but you are not the same person and the biggest mistake any husband or wife can make is to expect their partner to act, think and react like them and to take it personally when they don’t. We live in a world with a “Bigger, Better Deal” obsession in nearly every aspect of our life. We want to look perfect, have the perfect job, clothes, house, car, social life, body and travel itineraries. We want perfect children and perfect spouses but the reality is that being a living, breathing, thinking human being eradicates any chance of being 100 percent flawless, 100 percent of the time. Even if it were possible, perfection is arbitrary and therefore, someone would find your flawlessness utterly intolerable.

A relationship is made up of two people who have agreed to share their lives with one another and work to keep the peace. Notice I said “share.” This isn’t a Fairy Tale and the idea that it is anyone’s responsibility to “save” you or obey you is insulting at best. It’s one thing to be annoyed that your husband/wife can’t keep the common areas clean and quite another to fantasize that if you were with the hot guy/girl down at the market, your life would rival a classic love story..

Marriage is what you make of it, and many people don’t want to accept that you often get what you give. Yes, there are people who destroy their relationships with deceit, infidelity and addictions but more often than not, people destroy their own lives by not communicating effectively, holding themselves accountable for their own happiness and realizing that their partner also chooses to be with you in spite of the many little things you do to annoy them. Your partner is an aspect of your life, but your life is your life.

Helpful Tips…

Control your emotions
Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a bastard/bitch your ex-husband/ex-wife is!

Get professional help
“What you may find overwhelming is the fear of making mistakes that are going to affect you forever. This is a scary thought. This is why it is important that you surround yourself with professionals whose expertise you trust and respect – and can afford.”

Telling your children
“Talk to your children together. Given children time to react and time to be mad and sad and to ask questions…Try to anticipate the children’s questions and reactions, and be prepared to respond. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings.”

Gender differences
While getting through the emotions of divorce are unique to everyone; men usually have a different experience than women… It is common for men to experience mood swings after a divorce, as thoughts can quickly change from savoring new opportunities to regret. Mornings may be easier for men, as a new day can be seen as full of promise, while returning to an unfamiliar and empty home can heighten feelings of loneliness.

Make your child feel better
Talking with your pre-schooler about divorce can help ensure that they aren’t blaming themselves for the divorce, or as a child may see it, “making Daddy (as is often the case) leave.” …Pre-schoolers can be quick to assign themselves guilt for a divorce. They can also believe things happen because of what they wish for, so make sure they know their thoughts and feelings weren’t responsible.

Choosing anger
Believe it or not, anger is a choice we make. There are various reasons that some would hold onto this poison and refuse to let it go. For starters, many become addicted to anger. Anger gives a false sense of power and strength. …Real strength includes the ability to refuse the false rush anger brings us, to have the power to see the entire situation for what it really is and respond with clarity and compassion.

Who’s responsible for loans?
Even if a judge has stated that your spouse is completely responsible to pay off specific outstanding loans or credit card debt, for example, as far as the credit bureaus, creditors and lenders are concerned, as long as both names are listed on the account, both people are equally responsible for that debt. If your spouse is late on a payment or an account goes into a negative standing, it will impact your credit score and credit history as long as the joint accounts remain intact.

Dealing with abuse?
Sustained abuse of any kind must be stopped. If you are a victim, it is up to you to take the first step. This might involve counseling, but only if your husband/wife goes willingly, and cooperates fully in all strategies and actions aimed at protecting you and your children. Often a realistic program of rehabilitation will involve a period of separation between the abuser and his victims.

Making decisions
Analyze what it is you are worrying about. Get the facts; analyze the facts; arrive at a decision – then ACT on that decision. This is a very freeing motion that will advance you forward. Isn’t that better than being stuck?”

Know your money
Many times more women than men have no idea what they have financially. You want to make sure you’re aware of every investment. Read every financial statement. If there’s anything you don’t understand or something seems out of whack, then you need to really investigate it.

Escape plan for abuse
There are many important things you should do if you are an abuse victim preparing to leave your spouse. These include: making copies of important records, papers and bills; putting these records, some cash and some extra clothes in a safe place or a trusted friend’s house; and leaving when you must. If you can, start your own bank account. Get credit cards in your own name. If the threat of physical violence is imminent, escape with your children as soon as you can.”

Realistic monthly budget
“You may have already prepared a monthly budget for your lawyer to review. If not, you soon will. Having a budget is also a smart way to maintain control of your finances as you move forward.”

Talking to an attorney
“Save up your questions. Don’t call or e-mail your attorney every single time you have an inquiry. Check with your lawyer first and find out how he or she likes to handle communications – via e-mail, phone calls or meetings with prepared agendas.”

Picking the right person
“Screen him or her thoroughly. Be choosy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.”

E-mailing your spouse
“Many divorce lawyers will tell you that e-mail can make or break a divorce case. Remember that it is easy in the heat of anger to send an e-mail that you will regret….With e-mail, once the button is pushed, it’s gone and you can’t get it back. Don’t send any e-mails containing threats, emotional diatribes or profanity.”

Creating a new life
“Your job after a divorce is to create a better life than the one you had before. Life is now a journey into the unknown. This may seem overwhelming, but try to look at it positively, because it can be very exciting.”

Keeping your priorities straight
“Even in the worst divorces, there has to be a time of healing and acceptance. If you have children, you should do all you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex and his family. For a time you will feel all the venom that rises in a fight, but once the fight is done, don’t hang onto the bitterness. Think of the children.”

Rethinking your image
“It’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single woman or man, or as a mother or father, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer – there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.”

Dating again?
“Dating after divorce is an adventure. You will learn new things about yourself and your feelings. Follow your instincts, but remember, a leopard does not change his spots. If a man/woman shows you who he/she is, believe what’s right in front of you.”

Where’s the money gone?
“Deadbeat parents learn many tricks. One is to hide assets by putting them in the name of a girlfriend, new spouse or parent. That way there is no bank account. Wages (particularly off-the-book payments) go straight into this other person’s bank account. Property is in another name.”

Going from house to house
“Give children something to look forward to when they come home. Talk to them about what this could be – a special snack, alone time, a TV show to watch, and so forth.”

Collecting child support
“If you anticipate that collecting child support or spousal support will be an issue, your attorney can put you in contact with the government agency whose role is to make sure that support payments are collected and paid.”

The impact of divorce
Traumatic as parental divorce can sometimes be, however, it rarely ruins a child’s life in the long term. Certainly it can mark that life and it can hurt a lot, but the pain is passing, not permanent. It is an influential part of the child’s history, but it is not all of the child’s history. There are far worse adversities (like deprivation, neglect, violence, catastrophic events, or death of a parent) that a child can suffer. Most children are resilient enough to weather parental divorce and grow on with their lives.

Prenuptial timing
“A prenup drafted right before a wedding is not a good idea. Give yourself and your attorneys enough time to consider it, draft, redraft, and work with the other party’s attorney. Modifications are common and it should be collaborative effort.”

Talking is the key
Communication and conflict resolution are keys to keeping a marriage intact. Communication is a learned skill that’s needed to handle issues. Without communication and the ability to resolve conflicts skillfully, couples fight and defend their point of view instead of collaborating and finding ways to move forward.

Visiting the other parent
Custodial parents need to speak up to their ex-spouse about visitation concerns that the child only feels secure voicing at home. “I’m left alone too much. I get frightened about what might happen.” These kinds of statements must be taken seriously. Custodial parents should first listen and then ask the child to specify what is happening or not happening to cause these feelings.

Reconciling your emotions
What does a working divorce look like? …Let go any unrequited feelings of love or hard feelings from past hurts so that both partners are emotionally free to move on joined only by the common caring they share for the children.

This too shall pass
“Listen to your heart. Trust in the knowledge that you will survive this devastating loss. You will survive, and you will thrive again.”

Testimonials

Diane,
The words are kind and they are true. You teach very valuable information that no doubt has helped numerous people through very difficult times. You gain much insight into yourself and what you can do to be the best that you can be and to have successful and fulfilling relationships with a spouse, friends, and co-workers. Like I mentioned before, this should be a pre-requisite before marriage and should be taught at the post- secondary level. It must have been a blast to meet Dr. Fisher and have been taught by him. I have to say too Diane, that I have learned so much about myself, relationship skills and I wish that all of this had been offered to me when I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder and when Jack and I were going to couple counseling. I was given a lot of help and support from my psychologist and she was the one who recommended that I read Dr. Fishers book and that led me to you.
M. from Rockland

Taking the Rebuilding Relationships seminar has been a life-altering experience for me. Although I read the book beforehand, the weekly guidance and support was especially comforting and really drove home the various building blocks and work involved. I learned an enormous amount about myself, my marriage, and how to prevent myself from making the same relationship mistakes in the future. I honestly feel that this information should taught in schools and be a prerequisite for everyone. I feel that even happily married or single people could greatly benefit from the information received. Diane Valiquette is pint-sized but powerful and it’s clear that she knows this Bruce Fisher book inside out. She’s a wealth of resources and has been a guardian angel for me in many ways as I navigate the separation/divorce process. I highly recommend this seminar and the value for the dollar is incredible.
Bill From Ottawa

Hi Diane,

Just a word of thanks, for providing a forum, in which I am able to work through this 2nd difficult time. Since January of this year, I have been journaling each night and writing gratitude’s.

Tonight, I read back to one week ago, and I had written how thankful I was of these seminars’

Thank you again for doing what you do, and being there for us. We have a wonderful group of people, who had the courage to put themselves under their own microscope (and we are most critical of ourselves) and, we will blossom, thanks to you!!

See you next week,
Sylvia From Kanata

“I took the Rebuilding Relationships course to learn more about Diane’s teaching before being able to effectively market and promote her class and business. I came into the course from a strict business perspective and quickly learned it would be a huge missed opportunity if I didn’t fully get involved in the class. Until this point, I was truly unaware to the real reason I was picking fights, leading myself into poisonous environments, and continually settling for less than best.

At the young age of 22, I am fortunate to have received a wakeup call that I was not aligning with my soul, listening to my intuition, or honouring my feelings. The rebuilding course has not only made my relationship and communication with my partner, family, friends and coworkers stronger but most importantly I have developed a confident relationship with myself.

In my course, it was nicely diverse – the freshly divorced, the long-time divorced, the currently married man, new couple, happily dating, and undecided partner – but everyone had something in common upon entering and leaving the course. On the first class, there were looks of panic, insecurity, and fear on the faces of everyone. By the last class, everyone left the room with positive energy, clarity, and confidence that they are living their life and not letting life run them.

I suggest the course for anyone that is lacking clarity in their current relationship, failed relationship, or life in general. We are all human beings with a body, soul and spirit, and our only purpose in life is to awake our soul. Now is a better time than ever.”

J. – Ottawa

Media

Weekly Journal

Resource Centre launches foundation to save relationships

by Brynna Leslie
September 23/2007
Resource centre launches foundation to save relationships

If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, a local resource centre wants you to chew on these numbers. “A divorce will cost you between $10-35,000 and you’re still going to need months, if not years, of therapy afterward,” says Diane Valiquette, founder of the Separation/Divorce Resource Centre (SDRC) in Blackburn Hamlet.

So if you think your marriage is salvageable, Valiquette says, you may want to consider couples’ therapy first.

And if the SDRC can successfully launch a new foundation, hundreds of people in Ottawa may qualify for subsidized therapy through what may be one of the most innovative counseling centres in Canada.

The centre has done a lot of pro bono work in the past, but as programs are expanded to include counsel for literally anyone affected by divorce, Valiquette says there is a need for more long-term sustainable funding.

For Don Mcmullin, the answer is the Rebuilding Relationships Foundation, launched earlier this year on the premise that people in the community will want to contribute because there is such a great need for the services.

“A lot of times people want the help the centre can provide, but they just can’t afford it, says McMullin, who heads up the foundation. “There is really nothing out there for the person who appears on paper to be financially solvent, but has their money tied up for one reason or another.

After all, there are few people in Canada these days who haven’t been affected by the breakup of a marriage. The 2006 Canadian Census numbers released earlier this month prove that more Canadians than ever before are choosing the expensive and emotionally tumultuous path of divorce.

With more than half of the adult population claiming non-married status on their official records, the SDRC is finding a demand for services that go beyond the 12-seminar relationship building program that is its core.

“Young adults these days don’t have a clue how to do relationships,” Valiquette says. “They’re 18-24, their parents have been divorced; they’re not keeping relationships or they’re not happy in relationships.”

McMullin says supporting the centre and its programs will help create a healthier community.”

It may sound like a line, but he says the numbers show that people in healthy marriages are more functional in the workplace and more able to model healthy relationship behaviour to their children.

“We have been able to save couples by teaching them new communication and listening skills and by having them talk it out as opposed to duke it out,” he adds. “The onus is not only on recovery from divorce, it’s also on prevention.”

Girls Night Out…

Girls’ night out with the divorce coach
by Brynna Leslie

As my mom prepared for her semi-annual pilgrimage to Ottawa, I made a list
of things we could do together:

Museums? Check

Shopping? Check.

See the Divorce Coach? (This is where you hear the sound of brakes screeching in your head).

But I went ahead and booked the appointment anyway.

My mom is one of my dearest friends, but every time she installs herself in my house for a week, we have a huge blowup.

The last visit, my husband arrived home from work on mom’s second evening to find her upstairs in a bedroom sobbing, and me shaking angrily in a basement corner. My mom had the telephone, which I had thrown at her in the midst of anger-twinged-guilt, shouting “because I can’t talk to you right now, but maybe you need some support!”

“Go up there and apologize,” my husband said to me. “Let it go.”

In a lot of ways, his simple advice summed up the exact problem mom and I have. But even when I vow NOT to act like a controlling wench, I flip out anyway.

It starts before she even arrives, and I feel myself on the downward spiral, progressively deteriorating into a time bomb as the week wears on.

So I booked an appointment with Diane Valiquette at the Separation/Divorce Resource Centre in Blackburn Hamlet.

I had interviewed Diane in early September for a Weekly Journal article and I knew she would be pragmatic.

Mom agreed to go to the one-off session because Ottawa’s Divorce Coach promised to give us tools to relate to each other more effectively, without digging up too much dirt.

I figured if we never had the same fight again, it was worth it. Mom agreed. So on went the lipstick and off we went for a “girls’ night out” with the Divorce Coach.

“What’s the problem,” Diane asked? (Okay, that sounds clich? and she probably didn’t really ask that question, but she had to start somewhere that led to the following rant by me):

“I was working on my computer today and when I went to take a drink of my coffee there were old clothing tags in it,” I exclaimed.

“It was the only safe place I could find to put them out of reach of the children,” Mom responds. (Not the garbage, or in a drawer or on a high shelf, but in my coffee cup)?!

Diane looked at me with eyebrows raised and said, “So?”

(Was she bullying me, I thought? Was she taking sides already)?

So I tried another one.

“The last time she was here, she was in the kitchen the whole time,” I said. “When she left, I was finding jars of jam inside pots and pans; cheese in the meat drawer and the bottle of dish soap way, way up high with the wine glasses.”

“And that’s why you’re so angry?” Diane said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“It’s annoying, I admit, but if a friend of yours did it or your husband or ANYONE else, would it bother you so much?” (This woman was good).

“No.”

And that was the beginning.

It wasn’t one of those drag-your-guts-out-on-the-table kind of sessions, where you know they’re trying to suck you in for 10 consecutive weeks of follow-up therapy.

By the end of 90 minutes, we had a profound insight into relationship-damaging behaviours (that are common in our associations with other people, by the way); and most importantly we were left with ways to deal with them that wouldn’t allow us to slip into the no-zone like we always do.

The rest of Mom’s visit was smooth as glass, except.

On the last day, I watched her take a liquid-paper-stick out of a (multiple) pen holder and try to write with it. “Bloody pen doesn’t work,” Mom mumbled. And then she dropped it into MY CUP OF COFFEE!!

I really couldn’t help myself: “Mom, why did you put that in my cup?”

“I needed somewhere to put it quickly and it doesn’t work anyway,” she said.

(Why? Why not in one of the 15 little holes drilled into my titanium pen container that was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO THE CUP OF COFFEE)????

“Oh okay.” I laughed and that was the end of it. Seriously.

Expansion

The S.D.R.C. Inc. is expanding to provide more services to the Ottawa community.
This is the place to come to when experiencing relationship turmoil.

Please note that additional office space will be available for rent as well as class room space for a onetime event or ongoing.

There is a current opportunity for a Family Mediator and or another complimentary service provider to operate a practice within the SDRC.

If you would like to work with us and provide a complimentary service contact us at info@thesdrc.com

FAQ

Separation and Divorce in Ontario

The answers set out below are intended only to provide general information.

Q – What are the grounds for divorce?
A - Under the Canadian Divorce Act, there is only one ground for divorce, marriage breakdown. Subsection 8(2) of the Divorce Act limits the ways you can prove a marriage breakdown.

Marriage breakdown can be established in these cases:

a) if you and your spouse have lived separately for at least one year before the divorce judgment (although you may begin the paperwork anytime after your separation begins);

b) if the spouse against whom the divorce is sought has committed adultery or has treated you with physical or mental cruelty of such a kind as to make it intolerable for the two of you to live together.

Q - Do I need a lawyer for an uncontested divorce?

A - Generally, no. You can commence your divorce proceedings by: a) lawyer’s representation; b) non-lawyer consulting services, i.e. paralegal representation and; c) self-representation.

Even if your divorce is uncontested, there may be procedural complications that would require the services of a lawyer. For example, if you have no idea where your spouse is living, you may have trouble serving the Petition for Divorce on him or her.

There may also be children issues, i.e. support, custody, access to be negotiated. If these matters have not been resolved, you may resolve them through a separation agreement before you commence your divorce. A divorce will likely not be granted by the court if children issues are not resolved.

Q - What is involved if I decide to represent myself in a divorce proceeding?

A - The following procedures must be completed:

Drafting legal documents.
Attending court to issue the Petition for Divorce.
Serving Petition for Divorce to your spouse.
Attending court to set a motion for divorce.
Attending court to obtain divorce certificate.

You can buy a divorce kit to assist you from certain stores. However, using a divorce kit is not the best solution for everyone. You may experience the following problems.

The kit is difficult to understand.
Drafting legal documents can be a daunting task.
You may face the prospect of long hours in lineups attending court.
You must follow proper procedures to file legal documents in the appropriate court office of the appropriate level of the court system and to serve them on your spouse.

Q - What is an uncontested divorce?

A - Generally, for an uncontested divorce, the following must apply:

No relief other than divorce is being requested. The issues of child support, access and custody have been resolved by the parties through a separation agreement or court order.
The ground for divorce is one year separation.
There are no problems serving your spouse.
Your spouse is not going to file an Answer.

Q - Must both spouses reside in Ontario?

A - No. Only one spouse must reside in the Province of Ontario for at least twelve months before the divorce is granted (although you may begin the paperwork anytime after your separation begins).

Q - How long will it take before I’m divorced?

A - Usually within three months of filing your motion record with the court. However, it might require more time because the judge might be unsatisfied with your motion record, or there could be issues of proof that may require court attendance.

Q - Do I need to attend court?

A - In most cases, no court appearance will be necessary for an uncontested divorce when you are represented by a lawyer. However, if it is, then your case may no longer be an uncontested divorce. In that case, then you may need to retain a lawyer to handle the actual hearing in court, for an additional fee.

Q - Why should I bother to get a divorce when we are already separated?

A - Living separate and apart does not end your marriage. You must get a divorce to legally end your marriage. You must have a divorce certificate before you can marry again.

Q - If I have a marriage certificate granted by another jurisdiction (country or province) can an Ontario court grant me a divorce?

A - Yes. It does not matter if you were married in another province or country. You can apply for divorce in Ontario if you or your spouses have been living in Ontario for at least one year.

Q - Are there time limits?

A - Petition for divorce – NO

There are no time limits for petition for divorce.

A - Custody Access or Child Support – NO

There is no time limit with respect to issues relating to children however, delay in resolving these issues may prejudice your rights. For instance, with respect to custody, it is important to keep in mind that stability is one of the things that judges consider when deciding where a child should live. If a child has been living primarily with one spouse for any length of time, a judge may be reluctant to make the child move. Therefore, contact a lawyer immediately to resolve these issues.

A - Spousal Support – NO

There is no time limit with respect to spousal support.

A - Division of Property – YES

There are time limits for division of property. If you and your spouse have to ask the court to decide how to divide the property you shared while you were married, there are time limits on how long after your marriage breaks down that you can do this.

The time limits are:

2 years after the date of your divorce or annulment;
6 years after the day that you separate with no chance of getting back together; or
6 months after your spouse dies.

Q - Can there be a divorce if only one spouse is ready to divorce?

A – Yes. If one spouse wants a divorce, the marriage has broken down.

Q - Who can petition for the divorce?

A – Either of you can petition, or you can make a joint petition.

Q - How does reconciliation affect the commencement date for separation?

A -You can get back together again for one period of no more than 90 days, or for several periods that add up to no more than 90 days. The 90-day reconciliation period allows you to try to repair your marriage without penalizing you if the attempts are unsuccessful.